The raindrops splatter against my windshield in an angry cacophony of mini explosions. Each one angry that its' journey must come to an end. At least that how it seems to me right now, but maybe that's because I'm angry. Not just angry, but bitter, lonely, and scared.
That's how my life seems right now. It's as if my life has fractured into thousands of little 'raindrops' and each one is free falling to it's own end with an angry mini explosion. The last of those drops is about to fall. I will no longer be angry, bitter, or scared for tonight a bottle of pills will see to it that final drop falls and ends in one last angry explosion that will finally release me from all the pain and misery.
I grab the pen and paper I have brought with me so I can write a goodbye note to my family to tell them I love them, but explaining how miserable I am. However, no words seem appropriate. How should I tell my wife and children that I don't consider my life worth living? I'm thinking, debating if maybe it would be best to not leave a note.
As I sit thinking I notice that as each drop of rain hits the windshield it isn't very long before the windshield wiper brushes it aside as if it was never there. I wonder if that's what will happen with me. After the last drop of my existence finally splatters against the windshield of life will it be long before I'm brushed aside as if I was never there? I can't seem to figure out what to tell my family, so it's time to create that last cloudburst of my life. I've got the bottle and I'm opening it.
"GOD, IF YOUR REAL THIS WOULD BE THE TIME TO LET ME KNOW!"
The voice is mine. Yet, somehow I'm startled. I didn't expect that. Those words came out with all the harsh anger and exquisite pain I am feeling. Of course nothing is happening. God isn't speaking to me. Heaven hasn't opened with a beam of light shining directly on me.
So here I am with an open bottle of pills, a water bottle to wash them down and no God to care anything about me. The first handful of pills shakes out of my hand as a chill overtakes my body and causes me to tremble. It's not stopping. I keep shaking. It feels like someone is pouring cold water over my head. I look up thinking the roof of my car has somehow sprung a leak. But there's no leak, no water, I'm not actually wet.
What's happening? Somehow with each tremble little bits of my pain, bitterness, and anger are leaving me. As I finally quit trembling I begin to sob. For the first time in a long time my tears are not tears on anguish, but of happiness.
I'm staring at the windshield again as I try to regain my composure. Something different catches my eye this time. The windshield wiper may be brushing all the raindrops aside, but it also brushes them together into a single stream that flows over the side of the car. The streams of rain flow through the streets, the sewers and wherever else, but they don't cease to exist. They may flow back into a life giving river or ocean. They may evaporate and help form another cloud only to start the process of falling to earth all over again, but I see now that even though that original cloud may have come apart in the form of raindrops it wasn't the end. It was just a new beginning.
The raindrops splatter against my windshield in an exclamation of joy. Each one thrilled that it will no longer be one lonely drop of water falling by itself, but it will now get to start over as part of the stream. Maybe just like the rain I can have a new beginning. I must admit I'm a little apprehensive, but I've gotta give it a try. After all, I asked God to let me know if he was real and it seems to me he did.
* This story is based on a real life experience. As it is a story I did take a little artistic license, but the fact is I was once depressed to the point of suicide. In my moment of desperation God answered the call of a very angry man.
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